Disciplining Your Child February 26, 2007Posted by edukfun in add, adhd, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, children, discipline, education, parenting, underachieve, video games.
Warning: Parents of overactive children may not like this article.
What can you do when your child is hyper, overactive, aggressive or just plain driving you up the wall?
The biggest problem with disciplining children is that the parents, teachers and authority figures must practice discipline, too. If the home environment is loud, chaotic, and inconsistent, the children will respond to that environment by becoming hyperactive or by becoming quiet and sullen.
Many families are missing consistent structure, and parents could use some lessons in behavioral psychology along the lines of classical and operant conditioning. I promise to keep the information entertaining and useful.
Any time you lose your cool, and your kids can tell, they “win” and you are reinforcing the behavior
Classic conditioning is a common culprit. The idea is that any behavior that is reinforced will show up with more and more frequency. Any time you lose your cool, and your kids can tell, they “win” and you are reinforcing the behavior. Likewise, any behavior that you ignore, you are pushing towards extinction.
So, you come home and your kids have drawn with crayon all over the fireplace (yes, that was my sister and me). Normal reaction: flip out, yell and scream and punish like crazy. So the kids think to themselves (unconsciously), “Well this certainly got mom & dad’s attention. I’ll remember that (and use it to punish them when I’m angry).”
Alternatively, you come home and your kids have put away their coats and shoes for the first time since Moby Dick was a minnow. What does dad say? “Wow, you put away your shoes for a change. It’s a miracle. I think I’m having a heart attack.” So instead of getting a reward/reinforcement for doing what you wanted, they get sarcasm or backhanded compliments. The kid thinks, “Well that wasn’t worth the effort. I’ll never do that again.”
Failing to reinforce a behavior you want to see happen leads to its extinction
Finally, you come home and nothing special is going on at all. The kids got B’s on their quizzes, did their homework and didn’t burn the house down. Normal reaction: say nothing. But failing to reinforce a behavior you want to see happen leads to its extinction.
What should you do when your child misbehaves?
The short-term answer is to use some basic psychology.
When the child misbehaves, you dispassionately enforce the rules and consequences (if you are thinking, “Yeah but what are those?” Then read the long-term answer 10 times). Don’t get excited, don’t yell and scream. Be consistent. Even the most stubborn, intractable, horrible, psychotic child does not try to walk through walls; they understand that walking into the wall will always have the same result (“thunk!”). You want to be like the wall, consistent.
“You got an ‘F’? I’m really proud of you because I saw how hard you studied last night, so I know you did your best.”
When the child does something unusually good, make a big deal out of it. Praise is free. Be specific. Don’t say, “Great Job!” Try, “Great job finishing all your homework.” “I love that you guys put away your shoes. Thank you.” “You got an ‘F’? I’m really proud of you because I saw how hard you studied last night, so I know you did your best. When we get your test back, let’s go over it and see what we can do to help you do better next time.” Be sure to read about the power and danger of praise here.
When the child is quietly good, which happens often, don’t take it for granted. You have to reinforce the behaviors you want to see, especially in a troubled child. On what Harry Chapin would call an “any old kind of day” your kid does fifty things right. Pick one and compliment them on it. “I like the way your room looks. Thanks for putting away your toys.” Don’t go crazy here. Notice I didn’t say buy the kid an X-Box 360. What you don’t want to do is replace their internal motivation with reward-seeking motivation. You just want to periodically reinforce the behavior. You are letting them know that you do see what they do right, and you appreciate them for doing it.
You may be saying, “That sounds great for a normal child. But you don’t know my kid. He’s a terror and this will never work on him.”
That may be true. It may also be an excuse for inconsistent parenting or from a genuine psychological disorder (you’ll have to see an expert for that). I can’t tell from here. I can tell you that if the situation is terrible, it wasn’t always that way. It has gotten worse, and it has done so for a reason.
Here is the long-term answer: you have to have a plan.
Some children may be ok with minimal parenting. Others need a great deal of structure. As parents, you have your own comfort levels, which your children are probably walking all over. At a minimum, you need some kind of plan that is appropriate for your child’s age and ability level; one that is written down, signed, and followed consistently.
Here is an example. Darren is 12 years old, an only child, and overactive. He plays online video games like World of Warcraft until 2 or 3 in the morning and is sleeping at school. He doesn’t do his homework consistently, but tests well and so his grades are C’s and B’s with an occasional D or A. He isn’t interested in sports or friends, only in video games and friends who play video games. Any time the parents try to make him do his homework he lies, cheats, steals, screams until the give up. There are shouting matches on both sides about one a week. When progress reports come out Darren is grounded but always manages to hack the family computer and the grounding never really works.
Does it matter that he plays video games? Yes—if it makes him stay up too late, inactive, and antisocial
The parents have to decide, on their own, what they really care about. Does it matter that he plays video games? Yes—if it makes him stay up too late, inactive, and antisocial. Mom don’t care if he plays video games as long as the grades are good, he does some kind of physical activity and he has friends. This is the kind of agreement they might make:
- The computer/X-Box/whatever is off-limits each school day until homework is completed. If the homework is done with 75% accuracy then the kid is free to play games or do whatever until bedtime. Failure to comply results in the computer being locked away for two days, one week, whatever. Spell out the consequences, and then dispassionately enforce them as needed. Be consistent like the wall.
- The computer is off limits at 11PM (or whenever bedtime is) every night before a school night and by 1AM on weekend nights. If the child has impulse-control issues or cannot be trusted, then the physical tower (or laptop or console) is removed promptly by the parent and placed under lock and key. Don’t leave it up to temptation. Failure to comply results in the computer being locked away for two days, one week, whatever.
- Darren must choose one activity like karate, racquetball, tennis or something and stick with it. Family involvement is the best. Maybe Saturday afternoons from 11-4PM is outdoor time, or karate time or whatever. The parents must monitor this. The consequences for skipping this time are that the X-Box 360 is locked away until Darren does 500 pushups or runs/walks/jogs 5 miles. Parents must enforce and monitor this.
- Once a week Darren gets $20 and chauffer service so that he and a friend(s) (or girl) can go to the mall, movies, beach, park, zoo, whatever, as long as it is social and outside of the home gaming realm. No consequences for skipping this, but parents should monitor if they are concerned that he is isolated.
This can be tweaked to match your family’s situation. The main idea is to have everything spelled out in advance and dispassionately enforce the rules. If rules are totally alien to your family, there will be a challenging adjustment period. In making your family plan, remember:
- Focus only on what is really important. Don’t get nitpicky.
- Keep it simple for everyone to be successful.
- Accept that your child is his or her own person, and leave room for that.
- Give children some control and choice.
- Post the SIGNED agreement on the fridge, bathroom mirror, every bedroom door.
- Remember that you are bound by the agreement, too. If it spells out a reward for a behavior, you can’t take it away for some other reason.
Made to order: “kids these days” February 21, 2007Posted by edukfun in add, adhd, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, attention training, children, discipline, education, ld, learning disability, parenting, underachieve.
I blamed Hollywood
The one resounding lesson I took away from my four high school years as a proud underachiever was this:
Hard work is for suckers.
While the “smart” kids were working hard, studying, and doing their homework, I was staying up all night playing computer games (on my Commodore 128, yes I am that old). The homework that I did complete usually came into the world during a horribly long morning bus ride. I graduated with a 3.0001 GPA by showing up and “winging it” on exams. I stayed up until 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning, and slept in all but computer classes. I thought I was better than everyone else. What suckers they were, actually doing their homework. Bah.
I’ve been paying for that mistake ever since.
In real life, the people who are diligent, conscientious and hard-working are the movers and shakers. They are the people who get things done. They are the ones who write a novel every year (I’ve written 0.34 novels in 33 years). They are the ones who finish college in 4 years (I dropped out). They stay in the Navy for 20 years and retire (early honorable discharge here). They are the ones who set—and break—records.
I blamed Hollywood for my lack of follow-through.
It makes sense. You never see the hero of a movie get to the climax and save the day at the last minute by doing six months of hard work. He always saves the day at the last second by being clever: he had a gun taped on his back, or he used *69, or he tricked the bad guys with sleight-of-hand. If there is ever–EVER–hard work, it gets covered up by an 80’s style montage.
So who are you blaming?
Who are you blaming when you complain about “kids these days”? Kids these days don’t know about hard work. They don’t want to learn. They won’t make an effort. They just don’t care. If you haven’t heard or said something like this yourself, ask the nearest public school teacher.
Then along comes Po Bronson (author of “What Should I Do With My Life?”) with a phenomenal article in New York Magazine, “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise.” You have to read this article. Parents and teachers, this is an order! The article is here: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
Read this article. That’s an order!
The essence of the article is this: praising children for being smart, as opposed to working hard and being persistent, stunts their growth. Praising children for making an effort, trying hard and not giving up can improve their performance in school and in life. Children praised for hard work, work even harder. Children praised for being intelligent avoid challenging tasks that might ruin their “smart” self-image. Teaching high school students that intelligence is NOT innate, that the brain is like a muscle–the harder you work it the stronger it gets–raises math scores in underachieving minority students.
My wife is a biology teacher. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will be teaching a segment on how the brain is like a muscle, soon.
Have you read the article yet? What are you waiting for? Go!
It is so easy as parents, teachers, mentors and friends to want to make kids feel good by heaping them with praise. This is a mistake.
“I am smart, the kids’ reasoning goes; I don’t need to put out effort. Expending effort becomes stigmatized—it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gifts.”
“…for college students on the verge of failing in class, esteem-building praise causes their grades to sink further….”
Kids are wise to insincere flattery–that’ll only work until they’re about 7 years old. Then they can tell when you are full of it. In fact, sometimes kids think that criticism is the real compliment, since the teacher wouldn’t tell you you can do better if they didn’t think you could handle it.
A personal favorite of mine, Nathaniel Branded (of Ayn Rand fame), is mentioned as the father of the modern self-esteem movement. If you’re going to blame anyone for “kids these days”, it might as well be him. He started it, and we as a society ran with it.
There is solid science backing this up (see the article for all those details), and I am a HUGE fan of science. However, the rest of this entry is conjecture.
I look around and hear complaints about “kids these days” and also about “The Greatest Generation.” Could it be that the self-esteem movement was adopted by our social institutions, and propagated throughout the population, and as a consequence we have squelched the stick-to-it-iveness of Generations XYZ?
It makes me think about Everybody Loves Raymond (my brother is Robert to a T. You know this because he will tell you I am Raymond to a T). Frank, the Dad, is a hard-a**. Ray and Robbie have a problem? “Suck it up. Stop crying like a girl.” If ever anyone had no regard for their kids’ self-esteem, it is Frank. I know it is fiction, but it sure seems like The Greatest Generation didn’t molly-coddle their kids, and their kids came out alright. Did their kinder, gentler parenting–served up with dollops of unconditional love and positive messages–squelch the fierce, can-do spirit of their kids?
The (scientific) evidence says that it did. And what worries me is that the positive self-esteem culture is running the show now, and producing kids who don’t care, won’t work hard and just plain old aren’t trying. And I bet a whole heck of a lot of them are getting diagnosed as ADD and ADHD, and instead of getting the training that they need in life, they are getting pills.
On a positive note, this is easy to treat. With just 50 minuts of training, Math scores for underachieving High School students increased in just one semester after a long trend of sliding.
Take up the torch in your home, school, neighborhood and family. This is a vital skill that kids need, can be taught, and will pay off for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter who we choose to blame, it is up to us to fix it if it’s broke.
Paging Dr. Mario February 20, 2007Posted by edukfun in add, adhd, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, attention training, education, general, learning disability, play attention, Sparks of Genius, surgery, underachieve, video games.
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Yes! There is new evidence that shows a connection between playing video games performance during simulated surgery. Write this one down kids: playing video games can make you a better doctor.
Check out the full article here:
This comes as no surprise to us here at Sparks of Genius. We do, after all, use video games to train cognitive skills like attention and executive functions. For a better description of what we do, check out this page here and the official site, www.SparksOfGenius.com.
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